


Pray For the Others To Die

by AHuevosAmigo



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Ellie isn’t in a good place, F/F, That however does not occur, Tw suicide ideation, mentions of self harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-18
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:08:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 16,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25358239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AHuevosAmigo/pseuds/AHuevosAmigo
Summary: Ellie is lost in the darkness. So she looks for the light.
Relationships: Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us)
Comments: 19
Kudos: 139





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I woke up from a nightmare and wrote this. If you have questions about the space history i’m talking about, leave a comment. 
> 
> Im sorry about this. This wasn’t written well on purpose, the punctuation is bad but I’m hoping it reflects Ellie.

It was late, very late. Late enough that it was closer to morning than it was night. Her dreams went unnoticed from her partner. The sun would rise in the next hour or two. The sky still a deep midnight blue. Slowly grabbing the little bundle between them she stands. 

Placing him in the tiny crib, she watches him. Smiling in a way that even though he is asleep, she hopes he will remember. 

She had slept in warmer clothes as the winter drew closer. The edges of her mind, ever louder. Not daring to look at the person still in bed, fearing for whatever she’d find. She opened her drawer, where she kept the item regularly. Not suspicious, not in their world. 

Placing it behind her waistband she walks out the door, stopping downstairs to lace her shoes and continues her walk toward the barn. It wouldn’t be today. She doubts the day would ever come. This didn’t mean anything. 

It was a stupid thing she’d do. Empty chamber, empty gun. No harm ever present. Maybe one day she’d be reckless enough to forget to empty it before bed. 

She shoved that thought into a drawer and slammed it shut. Nothing good would come with that kind of thinking. 

Quietly she opens the barn door just enough to fit. Closing it behind her she walks to the small ladder. Not bothering to greet the animals, they don’t greet her either.

Once she climbs she sits on small bench, facing the small doors atop the second floor of the barn. One slightly open, she fully opens both. The pale moon stares at her in wonder. 

She remembers a day when she had stared right back, in equal parts wonder and amazement. She wonders if that part of her died in Seattle, or in that mansion. 

Settling back down, the cool breeze raises goosebumps along her flesh. Still, she angles herself so she’s facing the vast valley rather than the house. She’d rather not think of the occupants. 

Reaching behind her she wraps her hand around it. It’s cold metal shocking her system. Cold from the walk, but still warm from her lovers embrace. It seems nothing of her is warm anymore. 

She opens the chamber and twirls the mechanism. Before closing it shut, nothing in any of them. 

She opens it back up, spins it, and flicks her hand to shut it. Repeats this, as she begins to ease into the darkness. 

The only sounds come from the occasional sheep, Japan’s fast asleep. Only staring across the landscape and looking at the river below. 

Absentmindedly she continues her fidgeting. Almost as if afraid, postponing. 

This is good. She tells herself, If only you hadn’t made it out so far. 

Her hand which had been in constant motion stops with a hard flick of her wrist. The cylinder slamming shut with a resolving click. 

In a moment of weakness she points it directly beneath her chin. A deep breath. 

A click. 

The moon still looks on, its brightness on full display. Still watching. 

She stopped watching a long time ago. She thinks of three days in July, 69 years ago. She wonders, of their thoughts. Had they questioned their mortality, seeing everything. Seeing everyone who had lived, everyone who had died, inhabiting something so small. 

Everything that had ever happened, everything that would ever happen to them. Had they wondered?

The printed images of the blue planet in waterlogged books held her so firm. She wonders, when or even if she believed that 7th trip to ever be possible. 

She remembers spinning that moon, in that museum. Promising herself one day. Knowing. 

She pulls back the hammer, and clicks it again. 

She smiles as she remembers a book, with a small dog on it, from 81 years in the past. Not the first animal, but Laika. A fucken dog had made it. What a world. 

She is instantly reminded of the vent, that dog, Seattle, the aquarium.

She pulls the hammer back with force, instantly clicking. 

Giving herself a second, she waits. 

Yuri, those on the Apollo 1. The fire in the module. That tank, Seattle. Dina. 

She has to stop herself from hitting herself. No good explaining that to Dina. 

She wonders what is causing her to remember so much about space today. Was it the moon? 

Was it telling her something? Could she speak to it? 

Putting it back underneath her chin, she swallows harshly. No point in entertaining childish loves. 

She didn’t notice the moon no longer being the only source of light. Wrapped deeply within her darkness, trapped deep within her mind. 

Not taking her eyes off the stars, she struggles to remember their constellations. As much as she wishes for the knowledge to forever disappear, it’s absence is wrenching. 

Pulls the hammer, and clicks. 

The door opening, masked. 

She finds the brightest star, maybe in a last ditch attempt at guidance. A search for providence. 

She remembers the stories of those whom it guided. Centuries ago, and yet it’s brightness never dimmed. She hopes for it to speak to her. To guide her. To show her mercy. 

It wasn’t that bad tonight. Not by a long shot. 

The ladder’s noise, falls on deaf ears. 

Her mind must be playing tricks on her, for the star flickers every so slightly. She leans forward unknowingly, seeking its message. 

She’d never seen anything like it before. The brightness of the star of course, yet it’s flicker. Her mind instantly delving into the negative connotations. That star ever present, a beacon of hope. 

That star staring down at Ellie from the highest point and damning her. Deeming her unworthy. 

Fuck. 

She pulls back the hammer, and-

“Ellie! Fuck!” Its ripped away from her. She’s startled. Eyes instantly dropping and suddenly. Very afraid. 

She can hear, she swears she can. It’s not coming however. The buzzing overtaking everything, all she can do is stare straight at the house. 

It’s light on, the back door. Open. 

It’s obscured again, and she feels rather than sees Dina place her hands against the side of her face. Her vision filled with her north star. 

This. This was its message wasn’t it? 


	2. Alone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So guys. Im back, the original draft of this story was maybe max 3k? But my girl loved the draft so much she asked for more. So I expanded it a little. Probably going to wrap up around chapter 5. 
> 
> So, this story is officially dedicated to my girl! I low key made her watch my epic play through of part 1 right before part 2. She was even more heartbroken at part 2 than I was! So here's to you Cat.

Numb. It’s the only thing that Ellie can concentrate on. Being numb. All those little tangents she had gone off on about space felt miles behind her. 

The warm brown eyes looked muddled, obscured and for the life of her Ellie couldn’t understand why. She saw her beloved speak but the words refuse to meet her ears. 

The only sound she picked up was a horrid sob and crying. It was only through the shuddering of her chest that she realized. It was her. 

She was the one sobbing and repeatedly apologizing. She hadn’t even realized she spoke. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean, I didn’t know that-. I’m sorry.” Is the only thing that can come out of her mouth. All of this, this stupid game of playing Was It Worth It with herself seems entirely unnecessary. 

She has her, Dina. Her north star and the thought of leaving her and their little potato makes her feel guilty. She knows immediately that if Dina had these thoughts, she’d stop at nothing to prove her life is worth living. 

Life is worth living, find your purpose and fight for it.

In a split second she is reminded of her mother’s note. How she would have wanted her to continue to fight this. How she would have wanted her to stay with her purpose, her north star. 

It’s then that the sobs break and she’s able to pull in a breath. The comforting arm rubbing her back soothes her. The tears have stopped and she feels a headache coming in. 

Looking at Dina, Ellie can see tear tracks on her face as well but the second she makes eye contact Dina smiles. 

“You really scared me, El.” She whispers into the night. Ellie brings her closer into a hug and she sighs into her shoulder. 

“It’s empty. It’s empty. It’s always been. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to let you see this.” She isn’t good at finding what to say. Yet she knows she slipped the second Dina pulls back. 

“It’s always been? What do you mean.” Dina furrows her brows and an angry expression takes her features. 

“I didn’t mean that.” Ellie tries to backtrack. Afraid of what the consequences are. Immediately berating herself, had Dina not shown up how long until the gun would no longer be empty. Who would deal with Ellie’s consequences then. 

“Ellie.” Dina starts and holds on to her, afraid she realizes. Not angry, or furious. Afraid, terrified. 

“How long has this been going on?” She asks slowly. 

“I, I don’t mean anything by it. I swear.” Ellie replies quickly and yet again avoids the question. 

“Ellie.” Dina just quietly whispers. 

“I don’t know.” She shrugs and wants to admit that she really doesn’t know. It feels like Dina is asking multiple questions. How long have you been up here, how long have you been going up here. How long have you had these thoughts. 

“I only just came up here a few times. Maybe started coming up a month ago?” She shakes, the cold air not even bothering her. This deep trust Dina easily holds. This vulnerability she would allow exactly one person to see. 

“Sweetie, why didn’t you say anything?” Dina asks. Her voice wavering as if hating herself for not seeing how far Ellie has slipped. 

“I didn’t want you to know, I thought. That um. Maybe I could get over this by myself? You know?” She replies unsure. Hoping that maybe Dina does pry further. She doesn’t want to be a burden. 

She tries to fidget with her hands, needing to do something when she’s thinking. Hoping helplessly that this won't trigger something worse. That these words don’t send her off the edge. 

“Ellie, I wouldn’t judge you for that. It’s okay you know? To need help.” Dina, ever loving, always knowing Dina. 

Her Dina, the one who saved her multiple times just in Seattle. The one who saves her everyday here in their little farm. Maybe, just maybe. Ellie wishes she didn’t need saving. 

“I’m sorry. I know. I should have said something, I just didn’t want you to worry.” She tries to explain, tries because she knows that even to her ears that sounds weak. 

“What’s worse, hearing you say that you’re having these thoughts or finding you in the middle of the night with a gun to your head?” Dina’s voice gets so broken by the end until she’s crying. 

Ellie goes to comfort her, all her problems forgotten in favor of helping her love. Except she’s cut off by Dina. 

“No, I don’t mean it like that Ellie. It’s okay, I don’t want you to feel bad okay?” She tries and takes a breath before trying again. 

“What i’m trying to say is that I know it’s hard for you to be so open about yourself but I’d never hate you for sharing something about yourself. If it meant having some bad days i’d take that over losing you forever.” Dina’s eyes begin overflowing again and Ellie wishes that she hadn’t been so stupid in doing this. 

Ellie reaches for her again and Dina thoroughly hugs her back. Hard enough for Ellie to get that she’s holding on and never letting go. 

“I know I'm not the best at saying things, I’m sorry you found me like this. It didn’t seem real, the danger I mean. I- maybe I got used to it. The second you showed up though, I realized what I risked losing. Not just you but JJ. You’re my everything Dina and I can’t think about living without you. I want to do everything with you and I didn’t stop to think that maybe you felt the same way.” Ellie is stroking the back of Dina’s hair in comfort and strangely enough it soothes her own mind. 

She knows she’s crying for the utmost time at this bizarre hour but she feels that it’s warranted. She feels lighter knowing that this problem isn’t something she should be ashamed of. 

“God, I can’t think of that dude.” Dina sniffles and Ellie laughs at her causal language slipping back in. Yeah she thinks. They’ll be okay. 

“What do you say we go make something to drink. I need some sleep today.” She’s still holding Dina close. Very close and looking up at the stars. Her mind going back to safer days in her adolescence, learning of those who gave their lives for the exploration of their final frontier. Maybe they saw Ellie as one of their own. Maybe she thinks that being here with Dina is her true purpose, and space is just an avenue for her mind to wander. 

Still she hopes those who perished rest easier knowing that the planet they left behind is still full of those with the same love they had a passion for. 

“You aren’t off the hook yet. We ARE going to talk things through okay? “ Dina says as she backs up a little to look at her in the eye, but doesn’t let go. 

“Yeah. I know Dee.” She says and lifts them up so they can stand. 

They find themselves a little while later drinking their tea at what seems an endless night. 

Ellie with her enormous owl mug and Dina using a teal little one with an even smaller cactus on it. Ignoring Ellie’s judging look and her comment of ‘Dee that mug is for children’ 

“What’s on your mind?” Dina asks after a few comfortable moments in silence. The only light they have coming from a small candle that Dina lit up as they turned off the other lights in the house.

“You know how I was an orphan in QZ?” Ellie starts, and Dina thinks it’s strange but nods anyway. Knowing that parents with a capital P is a topic Ellie avidly avoids. 

“There was this woman that was with me and Joel- Joel and I, whatever dude.” She laughs as Dina gives her a look at her grammar. Jeez. 

While she laughs Dina's smile softens at the simple mention of Joel and how Ellie can bring him up without pain tonight. She’s sure this will vanish with the rising sun but in this moment, Dina feels safe.

“As I was saying, there was a woman traveling with us. Her name was Tess, and I only knew her for a handful of hours but it felt like I knew her for longer.” Ellie thinks back to that day a lot, mostly for the gift of Joel in her life but also the truth in which Tess lived by. 

“Tess was easy going with me, almost shot me when my status was revealed, but we got along well. It was like she knew the hand that this world gives kids and wanted me to be happy even if only for a little.” She continues, knowing Dina won't say anything until she finishes the story, if she can find one in this mess of her thoughts. Ellie raises her mug to her mouth and sips at the tea. She thinks of Tess, of who she was in her final moments. 

“So back when I left the QZ with both of them they were only supposed to take me a few miles out past the wall. Um I was supposed to be handed to other fireflies once we got there.” She shrugs as she explains, knowing for certain she would have died before reaching Salt Lake City. 

“We crossed a few buildings, one had a lot of things from the old world like shit that was centuries old! It was weird and I wish I had taken something. Anyway we got caught up with some infected there, and some infected in some subway tunnel, though we didn't fight those.” She mumbles at the end trying to think of at what point Tess' fate had been sealed. 

“Anyway, when we reached the rendezvous, the fireflies that were going to meet were dead. Tess got frantic and she started this argument about Joel about their morals and I felt like she was talking like it was the last thing she’d be able to say. It’s then that it clicked for me and I knew then that she was infected.” 

Dina considered herself lucky, she hadn’t lost anyone to the infection, not anyone close to her anyway. Yet from hearing Ellie, she realized that in a span of a year Ellie had lost four people to it. Ellie had her hands clutched around the mug and Dina softly put her hand on top of Ellies. 

Ellie looked up at Dina and she smiled, despite the sadness in her eyes. “It’s okay Dee, I'm okay.” 

With a sigh Ellie continues. 

“We didn’t have a choice but to leave her behind, and we haven’t been back to Boston since. I just think about her sometimes, she was one of the first people that didn’t treat me horrible upon meeting me. In those few hours I knew her I looked up to her, she wasn’t just following Joel around. I could tell she called the shots and she was so fucking badass.” 

Ellie’s tone grew somber, and Dina wanted to reach out and hug her. Still she waited for her to continue. 

“The only thing I wish is that we were able to bury her. We were surrounded and she gave herself up so we could escape. I hate it, you know? She’s still on that floor, its been literally almost a decade and she's still fucken there. She deserved so much than to be left there, forgotten.” 

The sadness returns and with it Ellie’s tears return. 

“It's okay Ellie, Tess would have wanted you to leave. You said it yourself it wasn't safe.” Dina tries comforting her. Deep down knowing that Ellie is hurting in everyone she’s had to leave behind. 

“I don't have anything to remember her by and with Joel- '' She cuts herself off, the easy manner she was able to bring him up earlier is gone. 

“I'm afraid i'll forget her. I can't even remember her face very well, I’ve tried to draw her but every time I think of her face it gets harder. I’ll make something and I won't even recognize who is on the page.” Ellie finishes, hoping that by sharing Tess’ story-- that somehow she’ll be able to keep her memory alive. 

Joel had told her some stories of Tess since they arrived in Jackson, she regrets the two years they spent isolated even more now. 

“What’s going on El?” She hears Dina ask. She knows, of course she knows. 

“I was out hunting, a few miles north of here.” She begins and Dina tries to place where she could have gone. There’s a small gathering of houses and maybe a strip mall not too far from where she suspects Ellie went. 

“I found a basement with a body, a bite and a gunshot through its head. There was a note by its body. It just said his name was Bryan, and to not forget him. It was signed in 2019. What are the odds that those who remember him are even alive.” She cries into Dina. 

It all clicks in a second for her, and Dina stands and pulls Ellie from her chair, slowly walks up the steps to their room,and under their covers, tucks herself into her arms.

“Tess isn’t forgotten, she lives in your memory and now that you told me she lives in mine. Maybe when JJ is older she’ll live in his.” She whispers into her ear. 

Ellie nods and sniffles her cries. 

“I know this is all so fucken random but before Maria came along Tess was the only person I saw as being a positive woman in my life. After seeing everyone I know fucken die or turn it just won't leave me alone.” Ellie says into Dina’s neck, trying hard to be closer to her love. 

“I won't leave, even if I do. Know that it was against my will. I would never leave you without a fight.” Dina whispers back to her. 

Ellie holds Dina tight, and hopes with all her heart that they’ll both grow old. Hopes even harder that they’ll be able to do it together. 

She sleeps, and dreams of laying in a soft field of grass Dina at her side and JJ wrapped between them. 

She wakes to hear Dina speaking to someone on the radio she had fixed up. Something that they’d agreed was important especially should an emergency arise on their farm.

“I can’t, Ellie isn’t...she isn’t feeling well and I don't feel okay leaving her alone.” Ellie listens in into what Dina is saying. So it isn’t an emergency here, she already knew that though, Dina would have woken her up had that been the case. 

The voice on the other line waits a second, before speaking and Ellie hears it to be Tommy.

“We don’ have anyone else Dina, Eugene was the one in charge of all this stuff’. We could reall’ use your help. I kno’ Ellie aint feeling too well but it’d be for a short while, I reckon she manage on her own?” Tommy finishes speaking and Ellie realizes that Dina is needed elsewhere. 

She has a job in Jackson that doesn't require her intervention much but she is teaching her skills to an apprentice. If Tommy is the one calling and its at this hour, it must be important. 

She sits up and Dina turns around to look at her in a worried glance. Ellie scoots and puts her legs around Dina so that Dina is sitting between hers. Ellie guides her hands around Dina’s waist and rests her head on Dina’s shoulder. Takes a little time to wiggle in completely much to Dina’s amusement. 

“Getting comfy there?” She asks and Ellie smiles and nods, placing a little kiss on her cheek. 

“Go, I’ll take care of JJ.” Ellie says, simply and without any hindrance. 

“Ellie, I don't want to leave you alone, especially after last night.” Dina whispers, her hand no longer on the button on their makeshift radio. Giving them complete privacy. 

“JJ is here, I’m not alone. Plus we got Snowy, Ewe-gene, Todd.” She stops as Dina laughs and they're interrupted by Tommy. 

“Dina? You okay?” He asks over their line and Dina pulls the radio to her as she replies. 

“Yeah sorry, Ellie’s awake. She says she’s feeling okay enough, so I’ll head out in an hour.” She replies easily and Ellie hugs her closer to her. 

“Alrigh, tell her my thanks. See you soon.” He signs off and Dina doesn't reply, instead placing the radio down. Turning her face she places a kiss on Ellie’s lips. 

“Are you okay with being alone?” She asks as she draws away. Worried look coming back and Ellie wishes she were able to take her worries away. 

“Yeah, I am.” She simply puts. 

“Today’s going to be good. I can feel it.” Ellie adds on after a moment, smiling and leaning in for another kiss. 

“Okay, okay, I have to feed JJ and get ready. Else I won’t make it on time.” She laughs as she shoves Ellie gently. 

“Feel free to lounge around. I’ll take care of the chores today, Just.” She stops in the middle of her sentence. 

Ellie waits for her to continue.

“Just know I love you I can’t live without you El.” She says and not for the hundredth time, Ellie regrets her actions. 

“I know Dee, I feel the same way. Be careful okay?” She reaches out for Dina’s hand and Dina takes it. Squeezing once before letting go and tending to a little boy who’s been slowly waking up. 

It’s a little over an hour later that Ellie helps Dina with Japan. JJ is securely in her arms, his little jammies covered in cute little planets and astronauts floating about. They walk to the edge of the fence facing the valley and Dina turns to her, a smile on her lips as she leans in for a small kiss. She breaks away and looks straight at her. 

“Ellie, be good for JJ okay?” She mocks her lightly and Ellie laughs. 

“Don’t worry, I won't make a mess.” She smiles and Dina grows serious. 

“I’ll only be a couple hours, if anything at all feels wrong or you start doubting yourself. Call me on the radio, I'll be here in twenty.” She brings them in for a hug and Ellie nods her head in Dina’s shoulder. 

“I promise, love you.” She replies and places a final kiss to her. Dina grins and gets on Japan as Ellie opens their little gate, Dina winks as she clicks her cheek and Japan is off. 

“Looks like it's just you and me little spud.” She says into JJ cheek as she blows some raspberries at him which he giggles in delight. 

“Yeehaw little bud.” She says as she hops the last step on onto their back porch laughing at herself. 

Setting him down on a little cornered off space in their living room she sets about doing a little bit of chores. Not willing to leave the full brunt of it to Dina. 

She finished the dishes, well it was really only a cup and a plate but in her mind she did a lot. 

JJ starts to get a little fussy and she heads over to pick him up. “Hey spud, buddy. Baby boy.” She lists off nicknames as she bounces him around a little on her hip. Cooing gently at the little boy as he waves his hands around laughing at the simple attention.

She glances at the second radio they have downstairs and promises to Dina that she’ll have a good day today. 

She hasn’t had an entire good day in weeks.The fact doesn’t matter. 

She’s walking toward the sheep when JJ pats her cheek with his chubby little hand. 

“What’s up buddy?” She asks as she opens the tiny gate and walks into the sheep zone. 

He just gurgles at her and laughs. She smiles at him and kisses his chubby cheeks, she loves this little kid so much. With all her heart. 

“Love you with all my heart JJ. Potato boy.” She tells him and he just sits there. What else is a baby supposed to do she wonders. 

Opening the barn door is a two handed challenge and not one she thought of when she left without the sling. 

“Fuck, I mean frick.” She says and catches herself a little too late. 

“Don’t tell your mother.” She winks at him and turns around searching for a nice stretch of grass to set him on. It’s all kind of dingny, from being eaten by their sheep 24/7 nonetheless. 

She finds a rather full patch and sets him down. 

“Alright Commander Spud. No eating dirt and no wandering away. It’ll only be a second.” She pats his head and walks the few feet back to the door. 

She had placed him a little to the side as to not be in the direct path of the sheep. She opens the door and latches it against the wall. Walking into the dim barn and letting the sheep run loose. 

Quickly making her way over to JJ she spots him in the same place she left him. Rather than sitting however he lays on his back. Kicking his feet ever so often in the adorable way kids do. 

She bends over and notices the sleepy look on his face. Smiling, she picks him up and yawns as well. 

“Grass a nice bed JJ? Should we just sleep outside at night?” She jokes to herself before looking at the grass in front of their farm. It looks soft enough. 

“What do you say? Nap time under the sun?” She asks him in her baby voice. The commander in question is struggling to stay away and she smiles. 

The grass is green this time of year and grows long enough to be a little prickly when she sits down in front of their house. 

She doesn’t intend to sleep but wants to tell JJ stories about the heroes of space as he sleeps. She’d read that babies do listen to their parents. 

She thinks of her own mom and wonders whether she was alive to speak to her. Her earliest memories were of the orphanages, she doesn’t like to dwell on whether her father was present at all. 

Curbing her thoughts, remembering her words of a good day, she shifts gears into space. 

“So JJ, there was a cool president waaaay back in the day when we still had presidents. That was like we’re going to the moon! He didn’t have the best intentions but he got us to the freakin moon!” She remembers the mess about the space race. How it was all some type of dick measuring contest to her. 

“No use dwelling on the past spud, in any case. We left a flag up there.” She points to where the moon is. Causally in the sky during the day. 

“It was red and blue, and had some stars on it. By now it’s all white. Who knows maybe some aliens took it, hopefully they left the rovers. We’re gonna need something to move around in once we get up there.” She tells him, he’s already asleep. Curled into her chest and she smiles at him for the utmost time today. 

Her thoughts begin to wander and she can’t help that she only slept a few hours, even if those few hours weren’t restful sleep. 

She doesn’t mean to but she falls asleep, on the soft grass with little JJ in her arms. Dreams of space and flags on the moon litter through her mind. 

There’s a distant noise she can hear, one she knows so instinctively that the mere action of the sound reaching her ears puts her on high alert. 

It’s steps, multiple steps. Too uniform to be infected, and too light to be Japan and Dina. She bolts upward clutching JJ in her arms who has miraculously stayed asleep through her waking. 

The sun is a little higher in the sky. If she had to guess it’s been a little over two hours that they’ve been in the grass. She slept for maybe an hour or so. 

Clutching JJ she reaches for her gun in the holster before realizing her fatal error. 

_ Fuck.  _ She thinks as she remembers leaving the gun on her dresser, unloaded from last night's events. 

She still has her pocket knife in her back pocket forever thankful that Dina didn't push to take any of her weapons away. Not that she would do anything. 

This world was too dangerous to not be armed at any moment. She soon heard voices accompanying the steps and picked out three distinct voices, all masculine. 

The steps stopped as they came into sight, their guns put away but wary. She was in fact a stranger to them as well. 

They stood beyond their little fence, the same fence that Dina had ridden off some three hours earlier. 

“Howdy.” One of them shouted, the one the most to the right. She guessed his age to be around early 30s. The middle one was a bit younger, maybe her age and the one on the left was the oldest at closer to 50. She was never good at guessing ages so she didn’t rely to well on her guess. 

“What’s your business out here?” She had hoped to recognize them as being from Jackson. She hadn’t been around the radio and they usually announced their intended arrival. 

She wasn’t near the radio however, she had been sleeping with JJ. She really hoped they didn’t mean trouble. Jackson was a thirty minute steady ride out, ten if you really pushed your horse. 

“Looking for some food? You happen to spare extra?” The one who had originally spoken, spoke again. 

The other two stood still, quiet and Ellie didn’t trust them at all. 

“I don’t. No.” She replies, hoping that they’ll leave. She can’t risk anything right now with JJ in her arms. 

“Looks like you do.” The one in the middle speaks nodding toward the plants she and Dina has set so many weeks ago. They had just started sprouting with the advent of spring. 

“Listen, my community could better help you than I ever could. They’re six miles north of here.” She tells them, Jackson would help them. Of course they would. Except they had to believe her that Jackson would. 

The thought of even putting JJ in harm's way destroys any other thing in her mind. She feels the way her heart is beginning to pick up. 

The trio don’t speak and Ellie feels her stomach drop. Even if she ran inside Dina and back up would take ten minutes tops. It was three full grown men against her and JJ. 

One of them puts a hand on his holster and smiles. 

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you.” She says. She hopes to god they’ll believe her. 

She can’t think of how broken Dina would be if she came home to find them dead, or worse. Gone. Taken. 

“Why not?” The eldest one speaks and his smile is one she’d rather not think of. 

“We’re a peaceful people, we won’t do you harm if you don’t do us harm. You must have heard of us. We’re a thousand strong.” She speaks and hopes the words will have an impact. 

She can’t glance at the porch, they’ll latch onto that immediately. She knows it’ll take three seconds to be in the safety, well relative safety of her house. 

Another two to reach the first weapon. Maybe another six to reach the first rifle. They’re all loaded, waiting, for such occasions. 

She has to think of JJ. She can’t risk him being hurt at all. 

“No I don’t reckon I have.” He states and smiles looking at JJ, she wants to turn and hide him. Hide his joy and innocence from these men that look seasoned, deadly. 

They’re glancing at each other and she realizes her time is up. They’ve come to a conclusion and she’s not going to risk her son. 

In seconds she’s up the porch and wincing as the gunshots ring loud and clear in the same direction. 

JJ undoubtedly jostled and frightened by the noise and cried out his fear. Shushing him she turns into the house, grunting and she feels the sting and the warm of blood starting to soak her shirt. 

Time for worrying is later, she has seconds to reach her first gun and find a spot for JJ. She will not attack with him in danger. She cannot die for he’ll be defenseless. 

Their room has the best lock. Even if she can shut the front door there is no saying she won’t be shot through it. Grabbing the gun by the couch she slams the door shut and flips the first lock. 

Sprinting she runs behind the stairs toward a makeshift shelf they have which she grabs her rifle and coos at JJ knowing that she isn’t doing any better at comforting him. 

Running up the steps she gets to the bedroom and slams the door shut. She grabs a few blankets as she hears the bottom door being banged and shouts from the hunters. 

Bundling up JJ she presses a kiss to him while sliding the closet door open and shuffling him in the back behind as many objects as she can place. Before closing the door behind her. It pains her to hear his muffled cries but the situation at hand is much more important. 

Grabbing the spare key they have and some ammo plus her bag she leaves the room and locks it. Locking her out of safety and an easy way to get word out to Jackson. 

She looks out of one of the windows they have along the hallway and sees that one of the men is walking alongside the fence. As if looking for something, or keeping watch. 

She decides she doesn’t care and lines up her rifle. She feels nothing as he crumples to the floor. 

The banging ceases and she knows they’ve taken notice. 

“The second I get in there and get my fucking hands on you you’re going to fucken regret that!” One of them shouts as the door downstairs is broken. 

She only hears one set of footsteps in the house, so where is the other one? She assumed the youngest had been outside and now she has to deal with the older ones. 

At least she has a slight advantage with being on the upper floor. Only one way up to her and she’s going to take full use of it. 

She peeks slightly as she hears movement but sees nothing. Pulling out her pistol she checks it’s magazine before readying herself. 

She hears movement again and blindly shoots from her cover. She doesn’t hear anything so she assumes she missed. 

The small table next to her in the hall explodes with debris as it’s shot. The bullet ripping through her home. Dina’s dream. 

This becomes all too personal, her rage coming from within. They’ve not only destroyed her home but her safety and peace of mind. 

She’s breathing through her nose to try to sense where this fucker is. She can hear JJ crying and not much else. She breaks her cover as she turns to face the full flight of stairs. Seeing the eldest one trying to turn the corner back toward the kitchen, she shoots, her bullet landing directly in the meat of his torso. 

She descends quickly and takes advantage of his momentary distraction, slipping her knife into his throat and slashing it. The blood spraying into the kitchen and the red marring the white. Instantly, she knows this farm will never be home again. 

She let’s go of him as he weakens but pays a fatal error as she drops her guard. 

Arms quickly grab her neck from behind and she’s been choked. She tries to stab him with her knife and it’s batted away and spots begin to line her vision. 

“You think you can just fucken kill my friends and get away with it. I’m going to find that baby and make you regret being born.” He spits venomously into her ear as he kicks her legs to make her lose her footing. 

She is desperately trying to grab at his face to make him let go of her and now with her knife gone she isn’t having much luck. 

Knowing she has just seconds left, she brings up her elbow and smashes it as hard as she can against her attacker's ribs. His grip loosens for a second, but a second is all she needs and she shoves him backwards and punches him straight in the eye. 

Turning backward she lunges toward her knife, her pistol too far to consider reaching. She grabs it and turns toward him, only to be met with a gun hitting her temple, the blood coming out quick. 

She falls to the floor and he kicks her when she’s down. A gun pointed at her head and she realizes this is the end isn’t it. 

He’s speaking but she doesn’t care for what he has to say. She just needs another opening. He’s too close to her and her knife is still in her grip. 

JJs cries are getting louder and the padding she put around the closet no longer drowns his cries. At the sound the hunter smiles and says something to which he looks up. 

Not letting a moment pass, she swipes her knife hard toward his tendon behind his ankle. Ripping the knife sideways, effectively crippling him and he cries in pain. Dropping his gun and falling toward the floor. Clutching his wound and trying to get away from her as she stands. 

He tries to as well but fails as his leg can no longer support him. 

He’s speaking, begging if Ellie has to guess but nothing can be done at this point. 

Their deeds too far to be redeemed. She’d offered them peace and they chose violence. They’d broken into her home and tarnished her already fleeting thoughts of safety.

Looking at him she ignores his cries as she finishes this. The regret building as she looks around her home. Now utterly ruined not only by blood but thoughts of vulnerability. 

The small table she and Dina had shared tea together over just a few hours prior is covered in blood. Dripping onto the floor. 

The cries are what break through her detached state. She runs up toward her bedroom and unlocks the door. Quickly wiping any blood on her face with a spare shirt. 

Wiping her hands with it as well. Opening the closet she brings JJ toward her. Shushing him and rocking him. Whispering sweet necessities toward him. Slowly, so slowly he begins to calm and she stands, walking toward the radio they have set up. 

She changes the frequency from the actual town to the dam outpost, where she knows Dina was at. “Dam post 2, come in this is Ellie.” 

She waits a few seconds before she hears a voice that is unfamiliar to her. 

“This is Tyler from post 2, what’s your status Ellie?” He speaks and yeah she can recognize him now. 

“Can you place Dina on, tell her it’s an emergency.” 

She speaks into the microphone clearly despite the shaking she can feel rattling her body. Her actions rapidly coming up and threatening to destroy her should she let them. 

“Roger that. Stay posted.” She hears Tyler say and waits. 

She cannot think of what’s downstairs, so instead she focuses on JJ. 

“You’re a good little spud weren’t you? So brave and so good for Mama.” She whispers to him as he cries softly, the loud crying had left replaced by soft coos and whimpers. 

She knows she’s crying too and does her best to steady her voice. Knowing Dina will only worry worse if she hears her breaking. 

“Ellie?! Is everything okay? Are you okay?” She hears the voice that fills her dreams and calms her nerves. She breathes out slowly, she’s safe. Dina is here, even if only her voice. 

“Dina. I, There was. A.” She can’t get the words out as they jumble as she begins to cry in earnest now, afraid. The terror gripping her, she could have lost JJ. 

“Ellie, are you okay? Did you do something? You’re scaring me.” Dina replies and fuck Ellie has to get a word out. A single one so she can calm Dina. 

“I didn’t do anything, It wasn’t me. There were people here, they were looking for food and I didn’t trust them and they started shooting and I panicked and I-.” She’s crying so much her words mix and she hopes Dina gets what’s she’s saying 

“Ellie, are you safe? Is JJ safe?” Dina asks and Ellie nods before realizing Dina can’t see her. 

“Yes were okay.” She says, it’s the only thing that comes out clear. 

“Okay, okay, stay put, please. I’ll be there in ten minutes. I’m bringing Tommy and a few guys, okay. Stay put please. I love you okay? Please just wait.” Dina’s rambling and she gets the sense of how worried she must be. 

“I love you too.” Is all Ellie can say before she’s feeling drained. Emotionally, and physically. 

These ten minutes are going to feel like forever.

She’s holding onto potato as if her life depended on it and he’s still sniffling in her shoulder. Clearly as hurt as she is. 

She begins to feel the warmness in her chest and the warm spreading through her veins. She knows an episode is incoming and she’s not going to make it before Dina comes home. 

She doesn’t need saving, she just needs her little buddy. Her baby. “Little boy. Baby, buddy.” She whispers nothings into him. 

Her arms shake, not from the strain but her increasing anxiety. She gets a horrible feeling in her mouth and clenches her jaw shut. 

Still she has her buddy to worry about, worrying about someone else is infinitely easier than managing her own symptoms. 

She rocks him in her arms before walking over and taking his baby blanket from his crib. 

Wrapping him in something warm and nice she moves into the tiny corner by Dina’s side of the bed. Having the whole room in her sights with her back against the wall. 

She slides to the floor and holds her baby. Her little boy, and cries. 

How did things get so bad?

“My little buddy potato, that's my buddy.” She’s whispering into his ear. Slowly rocking them both, soothing and hoping that they’ll be okay. 

She doesn’t know how long they’ve been sitting but she feels someone else there and glaces up to see Dina rushing toward them, hugging them both close to her. 

“God I was so worried, fuck Ellie you can’t scare me like that.” Dina clutches them closer and JJ cries for his mom, and Ellie just holds him closer. 

“Hey, here let me take him.” Dina whispers to Ellie, a soothing tone. Maybe for her, maybe for JJ. She reaches over and places her arms under JJ’s and Ellie makes a small noise at the back of her throat and clutches the little boy closer to her. It seems JJ was asking for Ellie as he makes a satisfied noise at their closeness again. 

Dina rears back a little, not knowing what to do. She wants to comfort both of them but at the moment, it seems they are each other's comfort. Still, she sits down next to Ellie and rubs at her knee. 

Several moments pass between them just being in each other's presence, unbeknownst to Ellie, Tommy and the others accompanying Dina are downstairs cleaning up after the battle. 

“I was talking to Maria today, and she thinks you’ll benefit from seeing someone in Jackson.” This startles Ellie, who looks up from cradling JJ. 

“What, what do you mean. I have you and we have JJ were, fine I don't need anyone else.” Ellie hurries to see any change in Dinas’ face. Whether telling her really was a mistake. Yet when she looks she can only find the same expression she fell in love with as teenagers. 

“Oh Ellie, not like that you goober. She means a therapist. We still have those you know?” Dina smiles and chuckles at her antics. 

“I don’t want to leave you and JJ alone. Not after today.” Ellies’ fear of there being more out there is very real and very much possible. She won't leave her family for anything, especially not to talk to someone about her feelings. 

Dina just sighs, and can’t look at Ellie anymore. Instantly Ellie is worried again. 

“D? What is it.” She says and she’s back to cradling JJ, soft, warm, little buddy in her arms. 

“Ellie, we aren’t okay by ourselves out here. Robin and Mary are more than willing to help us in Jackson and you know-” 

“No. We can work this out, I can get better here. I’m sorry. I’ll get better I promise!” Ellie’s become desperate, and Dina can’t understand why. 

“Ellie no this isn’t your fault. Today proves that maybe we need a little more time cooking before we are ready to eat.” She tries to joke around but Ellie can’t joke around at this time. 

“Okay.” Ellie just gives up. Her grip loosens on JJ and Dina can take her baby back and hold him close, smiling and trying to place a comforting arm on Ellie, who shrugs her off and stands up. 

“Ellie?” Dina asks and watches as Ellie walks out of their room. She continues walking and turns into the bathroom. Washing her hands of any blood, before stepping back into the hall. 

“Ellie, what’s wrong?” She asks holding JJ and reaching out to her, Ellie sidesteps her and simply asks. 

“Tommy here?” She says as she notices the missing bodies downstairs, and walks toward the stains. 

“Yeah, he came with me. Ellie- hey wait.” Dina asks after her and Ellie stops walking down the stairs. Turns to her and simply says. 

“Don’t.” 

So Dina doesn't. 


	3. Space

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so maybe not five chapters. Updates might be slower as school has begun yet again.

Ellie had been ignoring the stinging pain that she had been feeling, at first she thought it was a fear of JJ being in danger. The fast sharp stinging that came whenever Dina had been in danger. Up until this moment, they had been lucky. JJ had a calm first half year of life. 

Yet as she continues down the steps, she finds that the pain isn’t just in her mind, the long sleeve she wore hid the extent of the injury. Bringing her hand up, she feels the cut skin at the back of her bicep. Turning to head to the downstairs bathroom she closes the door behind her. 

Stripping her shirt she sets on cleaning her skin and after confirming the blood has stopped dripping she begins to disinfect with the little alcohol they still had. The handle to the door jiggles and she knows that Dina is behind that door. 

The door opens and it’s her, their son considerably calmer. She doesn’t say anything, doesn’t have to. So Ellie says nothing in return. 

She applies the gauze over the graze, not deep enough to require stitches thankfully. The whole time through, she looks at her through the mirror and she looks back, never once breaking eye contact. 

Dina is trying to tell her something, her own stubbornness turns a blind eye to whatever she may have to say. Or rather in this case look. Ellie feels miles away from Dina, despite being just steps away from the girl. 

Dina’s worry is palpable, still she knows better than to press a cornered Ellie. Ellie just hopes she doesn’t say something she’ll regret later. She had always been honest, sometimes to a fault. Saying what she felt and worried not caring who’s feeling she had hurt. As she grew older the words became sharper and the apologies less frequent. 

This had never been the case with Dina, Ellie was always honest with her but never cruel. Nothing like this had ever happened between them. Joel’s death had shaken Ellie but she at least had an outlet to deal with those emotions. 

In her moments of pure pain earlier she had shut the door in Dina’s face, and Dina hesitant to poke the sleeping bear had let it slam shut. 

Finishing her treatment she turns and pushes her way past Dina, noticing but not taking in the pain in Dina. Ellie needed to be away from everything, the words she could hear from outside. The smell of iron, the bright red against the soft colors of their home. 

Everything invaded her senses like nothing had ever before. 

Heading back upstairs she takes a few articles of clothing, placing them in her bag. By the time Dina catches up she’s wordless in the entry. Ellie doesn’t fucking know why since this was her whole goddamn idea. She ducks down, under the small pile of clothes in the last drawer she takes out the small pendant and note she had put there all those months ago. 

Placing them in her bag she sets off to pack some warm clothes for JJ. Dina is speaking to her, but it’s as if she’s underwater. Like Dina speaking in a foreign language and maybe it’s because she doesn’t speak fucken English that she gets mad. 

Her voice is like nails on a chalk board and the whole fucking time all Ellie wants is to be alone in a room where the light can’t fucken find her. The one place where the north star can’t reach her with its good for nothing hope and guide some other fool. 

She feels Dina place her hand on her uninjured arm and Ellie is violent when she backs off. “Don’t, dont fucking touch me.” Ellie whispers, pain and anxiety flash briefly onto Dina’s face before calm sets in. 

Dina nods her head, her eyes a suspiciously full of un shed tears and she pulls her own bag, placing JJ on their shared bed. 

Ellie commits this image to memory, holds it tight in her mind. She does not comment on it in the present, but knows she’ll think of this when the pain returns. So that this memory can only hurt her in the future, and not now. 

She did this to Dina, she hurt the warmest star, this is her fault. She walks out the door, bags in hand and places the lighter ones on Japan, giving Tyler JJ’s baby bag so he can take it back. The nails on the chalkboard are back and she hears Tommy speak to her, but its too much for her at the moment. She looks at him with blank eyes filled with fury, hate, fear, and every other emotion she is capable of showing, before looking away and making sure Japan is ready. 

What she wouldn’t do to have Shimmer with her, out of the corner of her eye Ellie can see Dina speaking to Tommy. She knows Dina is apologzing or fucking explaining what a fuck up Ellie has become and it does nothing but fuel her apathy. 

She turns and clears her throat, pointedly looking at Dina and thankfully Dina understands her. She helps Dina up on to Japan, she grabs his reigns to walk beside him. Tommy speaks to her but Dina yet again is relegated to answering, in this moment all she can see are the bodies of the men she had killed. They laid them by the side fence in which they had entered, Ellie only sees the gaping hole she left in the youngest head, the longer she stares the louder the nails on the board get. 

The only thing that breaks through to her is the sound of her son starting to cry, she couldn’t look at him. Ellie believed it with all her heart that if she looked at him now, she’s corrupt everything that made him a bright and happy child. 

The thoughts spiral further and she clenches her eyes shut, swallowing the intense feelings whirlpooling beneath her chest. The pain radiates beneath her veins and burns, burns brighter now than she had ever felt it. Maybe it was supposed to destroy her from within, she would let it. 

If it meant bringing Dina and JJ peace, she was venom killing them, why couldn’t they see that. She can vaguely feel herself walking beside Japan, passing the open gate and ignoring JJ’s cries, ignoring the small sensation of his tiny fist on her shoulder. Can’t he see that she’ll only get him killed? That she’s doing this to protect them?

_ Of course not you idiot, he’s a fucking baby.  _

Scowling she continues her walk, Tommy, Tyler and whoever else were there no longer existed to her, just as easily as she took out trash on days the bucket was full, she threw the thoughts of them away. 

She feels a soft palm curl around the outer of her ear, likely pulling a strand away from her face from up on Japan and she knows the voice trying to pierce her bubble. Something is wrong. 

She wants to ask the voice, her star, to repeat themselves, she hears them speak, she swears it but when she turns to look everything is different. 

“What?” She asks hoping it’s not too late, she doesn’t know what happened. They were just leaving the farm and now, now the sun has set. Looking around she can see they’re just a few minutes outside of Jackson. The sudden input of her senses almost too much and the voice replying to her inquiry is sharp and in focus. She winces at the intensity, despite it being nothing more than a whisper. 

“Honey, are you okay?” Dina asks her as if she’s scared of her. And doesn’t that make her feel all the more worse?  _ Yeah, you did this to yourself though.  _

“Something’s wrong.” She murmurs to Dina, turning to look at her beloved, and their son. The small bundle of joy sleeping soundlessly against his mother's chest. She sees the frown set on Dina’s face, marring the everlasting beauty that the girl effortlessly held. 

Dina takes Ellie’s hand from the reigns and holds it close, almost as if knowing that Ellie is drifting off to sea and this is the only way she won’t be stranded. With her guidance, everything would be set in place. 

\--

It’s later that Ellie finds herself wandering around the streets. She’d left Dina asleep in the small garage that she had once occupied as a teenager. Except she knows the moon is in the wrong position, there’s no shadows to help her keep track of time but she knows she’s fucked up again. 

Ellie can’t understand what’s happening to her, this shift in being there in the present and suddenly awakening to find her surroundings different, to find that she’s progressing with no context as to what has occurred. 

She wants to hit her head repeatedly with her fist, as if she’s a child punishing herself for a minor discrepancy. She needs an outlet for this pain, and her mind flashes to the pocket knife. She knows any damage inflicted upon herself would easily be found by Dina, and hasn’t she suffered enough? 

Still she grasps the knife in her hand, walking toward the lesser populated side of town. Where she can slide down a wall and stare at the knife, judging the consequences versus the quick relief she’d get. 

This would be the tipping point, Dina would take her weapons should she find a single scratch that Ellie self inflicted. Ellie would never be able to hide it, yet her hands shake as she presses the quick release. A soft noise coming from the blade releasing into position. She wants this. 

She doesn’t want Dina’s worry. She can’t handle another conversation, she had just evaded one earlier. JJ’s cries taking over Ellie’s deteriorating mental state. Dina knew, Dina knows and Dina would cry. Could she really make her love worry over something so insignificant? 

She knows its late, probably close to midnight but she needs to speak to Tommy, either that or she could begin slicing into her wrists and hope that no one finds her. 

Pushing herself off on to her feet she walks to her uncle's house, hoping to find him and Maria awake. She finds herself near their steps and takes a few steadying breathes, this will only work if she seems calm. She can probably pass earlier off as being in shock, and maybe use the attack to her advantage. 

She walks up the steps and knocks on their door, encouraged by the light on in the living room. She hears murmurs and Maria opens the door. “Ellie? What’s the matter?” Maria asks her, late night visits were out of the norm for Ellie and she tries to explain her position, accepting Maria’s invitation inside. 

“I couldn’t sleep, I was hoping to get assigned something soon.” Ellie explains as she walks into the kitchen where Tommy is sitting over several papers, Ellie doesn’t bother reading the words on the paper, she doesn’t care. 

“You just got back, take a few days. I know how-” Maria starts trying to placate her, she doesn't know. Of course Maria wouldn’t fucking understand. It does nothing but stroke the flames inside her. She steadies a breath before interrupting her. 

“I know, I can’t stay at home. I get restless. I’d rather be helping out. You know. Out there?” Ellie pushes, hoping that Maria will get the hint. 

“And Dina? How does she feel about this?” Tommy speaks up and she cannot afford to break right now, anger would not help her at all. “She’s fine with me helping out.” Ellie gets out, hoping, praying to whoever is listening that she sounds convincing. 

“I know that Jay needs help in the shop, if you want-.” Fucking Maria, doesn’t she get it She doesn’t need a stupid welding job, she NEEDS to be on patrol. 

“Actually, I was thinking I could go out patrol again? I'm only a few months rusty but I’m a better shot than most of them out there.” She waves her hand to the side trying to sound convincing. Enticing, she knows Jackson needs all the able bodied people on patrol, and her alongside Jesse and Dina were some of the best. Seattle had taken all three out of contention, each for different reasons, be it death or pregnancy. It didn’t mask the fact that Jackson lost three valuable members. 

She knows Maria and Tommy know this, and she doesn’t know what she would do if they refused, if they saw through the cracks. They’re silent, taking in her request. Speaking through looks, Maria nods and turns to Ellie. 

“You’ll start on the Yellowstone trail in two days' time. Go home and rest up.” Ellie grins and nods, not bothering to say anything more. She doesn’t care if she's being rude, she got what she wanted and that's what mattered in the end. 

\-- 

The moon shines bright, and Ellie wonders. Letting her mind be young again for once, she wonders about how Neil Armstrong felt carrying all of mankind's wonder on his shoulders. She wonders what it would have been like, to sit around with her family in front of their TV set. To see the recordings first hand to live and be filled with joy and man's first landing on their satellite. 

Would they wave small American flags at the sight of Mr. Armstrong placing the flag on the moon? She had only read about the video, she had searched far and wide for a tape of the landing and had found nothing but odd conspiracy videos. 

She walked under the shade of the moon, letting herself go of the anger she had felt pushing into her chest. The waves still there, receding as if slowly dissipating, or reeling back to crash violently in a tsunami. She was a prisoner in her own body, and all she could do was be at the mercy of the moon. 

She walked the last steps toward the tiny garage door, opening it and finding Dina. Not asleep but sitting up cradling JJ. Her face smiled but Dina’s eyes matched the storm beneath her. Anger flowing off in waves, yet a soft voice spoken in the pale moonlight. 

“Where’d you go?” She asks calmly, quietly. Likely to not wake JJ, Ellie deserves her wrath. “I spoke to Tommy, walking. Couldn’t sleep. Sorry.” Ellie replies, she hates the sympathetic look Dina flashes her. 

The waves are coming back, and she knows it's not going to be a peaceful night. Standing up Dina walks toward Ellie, “What did you guys talk about?” Dina is simply curious, she isn’t trying to control her life. Yet the closer to Ellie she gets, the more cornered she feels. Trapped, and she’s going to go rabid. 

Worse, Dina lifts up little JJ toward her. It’s clear she wants Ellie to hold him, something that always had succeeded in cheering Ellie up. Today it only draws out the worse in Ellie. She’s pure poison, and if she touches JJ she’ll only kill him. 

Ellie steps back a step, and Dina walks closer. Insistent. Claustrophobic, and its all it takes for Ellie to snap. 

“Dina, fucking stop.” Dina stops, and she can see the instant hurt on her face. Dina lowers JJ and holds him closer to herself, farther from her. She looks away for a second and misses Dina covering her pain. When Ellie looks up Dina is smiling at her, she starts to bounce their little spud on her hip. “I was showing him your little pun book, I packed it with me, I hope that's okay.” Dina speaks softly, smiling at her. 

She walks slowly over to Ellie, who doesn’t move. The chalk on the board feeling is back, the blood in her veins is boling, burning her. She can’t move, terrified if she lashes out she’ll hurt the only person in her life who actually fucken understands her. 

Dina continues to speak but she can’t hear anything coming out of her mouth and Ellie wants to fucking cry, she knows she wont be able to remember this later. She fucking hates that this is happening to her. Dina is talking and the usual calming nature of her voice is non existent right now.

She wants to rip her hair out, she wants Dina to be the balm to her burns. Dina is speaking and the intensity is ratcheting up and up, never ending. She cant stay here. She can’t. Dina’s voice breaks through her internal struggles. 

“I don’t know how concerning his favorite joke seems to be. Hmm little bud?” She bounces the commander on her hip and he giggles, and Ellie can breathe. Almost as if she has resurfaced, the water ebbing away. 

“How does it go...oh yeah. What did the cannibal get when he showed up late to the party? A cold shoulder!” Dina giggles and JJ does too. It’s as if the breach toward the surface had been temporary, and claws digging at her neck throw her violently back under. 

_ She remembers her laugh, the carousel, the feeling of unbridled joy. Of a new found romance. That fucking joke, RIley had told her that joke so many years ago. Riley.  _

If she doesn’t leave now, she’ll do something she will regret. This gets too much, she’s going to throw up. She going to yell, she's going to scream, cry, or just fucking explode. She just can’t fucking be here. 

So she runs. Ignoring Dina’s worried cries behind her. She just fucks everything up doesn’t she? 

The only thing she knows is she can’t stay inside the walls. She’ll choke if she even looks at them. Running toward the old spot the trio used to use to sneak out, she runs. Runs, avoiding the lookouts, runs despite being unarmed. 

A small pocket knife is all she can use if she runs into trouble but she doesn’t care. She actually hopes she’ll fucken die and maybe then she can stop hurting Dina. 

She runs until she’s gagging from the exertion, had she eaten anything in the past 48 hours it would have made a reappearance. On her hands and knees she tries to breath in between the dry heaves. She can feel the overwhelming sadness deep within herself taking over any anger that had been present. 

Closing up on herself she allows herself to cry, looking up she sees that she’s not far from Jackson. Yet this small space felt infinite, the trees expanding as far as she could see, with only a small break just beyond herself. 

In that small little meadow, she walks until she’s in the center sitting down until the flowers around her envelope her. She would have been afraid, if she touched them. Would they wither away? Would she bring them death as well? They don't. She rubs her tears dry, smiling at the fact that they’ve stopped. 

Ellie hasn’t noticed, but the waves have dissipated the moon smiling at her instead of furiously bashing her coast. She allows herself to lay on the bed of flowers, engulfed by their energy. The slow wind causing wave like ripples in the flowers, and they soon become still. The ocean inside her calming. 

_ I walk beside the still waters, and they restore my soul. _

__

She feels herself slowly calm, breathing in the fresh air of the mountains. Her mind finds peace and with its peace comes Dina. She smiles as she thinks of her beloved, It seems her mind cannot correlate Dina with anything malevolent. 

Dina is her sun, her north star. Her guiding light, she wishes for her north star, wanting nothing more than to be in her arms. She doesn’t know how long she lays there, not entirely sleeping but resting. When she does open her eyes, the tell tale coolness of morning is evident. The birds are slowly waking up, and she sees wisps of sunlight breaking the horizon. 

_ Dina.  _

She must be so worried, Ellie had run and she knew Dina would not be able to sleep without knowing Ellie was safe. Yet here she is sleeping soundly, without caring about what happened to Dina. or JJ. 

Sitting up, she is yet again enamoured by the beauty of the flowers. Picking the ones that stood out beyond any others, she gathers a small amount in her hands. Careful not to ruin them she bundles them, carding them softly in her hands. 

She sets off, looking up. She sees the north star, in the direction of Jackson. Of home. 

“Thank you Dina.” She whispers into the early morning air, careful not to break the tranquility of the Jackson woods. She walks back through their hole in the wall, her mood quietly reserved as she walks toward their small garage. A smile winds up on her face as she sees her beloved awake, holding little JJ through the window. It isn’t until she is closer that she can hear Dina sobbing. 

In an instant, a deep horrible voice speaks to her within her own mind. 

_ If you had any fucken care for that girl you would have blown your brains out before you caused her so much pain. You did that. You fucked her up.  _

She opens the door and Dina is in her arms crying, relief evident in her eyes. She’s looking Ellie over for any injuries, the small bundle of flowers over looked for anything on her wrists, on her forearms and when Dina deems her safe she cries more. 

“I was so scared you had left to end it. I didn’t know if you needed space, or or, if, if you, needed or if you.” Dina is becoming incorrehrent and it’s all Ellie’s fault isn’t it. 

“I’m sorry. I’m-.” Ellie’s voice cracks but she still continues. 

“I saw these, and they reminded me of you.” She holds out the small bundle of flowers and Dina sees hope. Dina takes them and hugs Ellie closer to her. Taking her hand, the soft metal clinks as they’re brought together again. Two sides of the same coin. 

“Ellie, you’re scaring me.” 

Ellie takes their joined hands, and brings them up to kiss their knuckles. The metal on their fingers shine through the soft morning light. 

“I know. I’m sorry.” She whispers toward Dina, and Dina poor Dina. All she can do is hope Ellie loves her more than she wants death. If only she knew that Ellie’s love for her was infinite. 

The silence is comfortable, but Ellie knows what Dina is going to ask her. The impossible truth, something Dina knows Ellie cannot lie to her about, hell Dina knows Ellie has never lied to her period. 

“Ellie, you can just- You can’t just run off like that after yesterday. Finding you in that barn was the worst second of my life. You terrified me. What’s worse is knowing you can’t come to me with that.” Dina’s right, has she ever been wrong? Dina’s hiccuping through her statement and it kicks Ellie when she’s already down. 

This strong, remarkable woman brought tears over her. Dina loves her, she knows this so why. Why can’t she trust her beloved with this. 

The answer, she draws blank. There is no reason, the reason she had before was she didn’t want her to worry but all she is doing now is worrying Dina. So in that instant, of seeing the love of her life cry, Ellie makes a promise. One she never intends to break. 

“I’ll go, to thing Maria talked to you about.” Ellie whispers, her voice hoarse with stuck emotion in her throat. She can only hope, it’s enough to place a small soft comfort in Dina’s heart. Ellie would do anything for her, be anyone. If that means being uncomfortable and talking about her feelings then so be it. Slowly she realized, Dina only wanted her to get better. Not change. 

Dina wanted her to be healthy, not that she was sick or wasn't whole. She was just injured, on the inside where injuries were hardest to catch. 

“Ellie, you don’t know how happy that makes me.” Dina’s crying again but somehow Ellie knows she isn’t sad. 

“Hey we’re a team okay? You, me and spud.” Ellie hugs her close, their hands breaking apart to wrap around each other and the flowers still grasped in Dina’s grip. 

Ellie breaks their hug just a little to lean in and kiss her, not remembering if she had kissed her at all since arriving at Jackson. Something Ellie found unacceptable, Dina deserved to know how much she was loved. Especially by Ellie. 

“You’re right, we’re a team. I believe in us, We’ll be okay.” 

Dina says it with so much authority that Ellie has an unshaken faith that it's true. Knowing their fight is an uphill battle, Ellie hugs her close again. Wanting to bask in their small, not quite perfect world. 

“You are enough Ellie.” Dina speaks, but the tears are already flowing through Ellie. This girl, her love, she knows her so well. Knows exactly what insecurities are bashing at her coast with unrelenting waves that in just three words, she’s able to calm the coast. She hopes her three words convey just how much she matters to her. 

“I love you, so much.” Ellie whispers into the crook of her neck and desperately latches onto being enough for Dina. She could be broken to everyone around her, but knowing that she was enough to the only person who truly mattered, had her smiling. 

Maybe, just maybe, she was going to be okay. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you find a mistake, just end me. 
> 
> You can personally attack i mean speak to me @ KonElOfKandor. 
> 
> I don’t reply often to comments because I’m terrified of you guys. Please roast me.


	4. Longing

She awakens slowly but surely. The light has yet to break through the curtains. The early morning is too weak against the coming of the Jackson winter. The temperatures rarely left the low thirties. Still she relishes the warmth she’s found herself in. A small little cocoon, wrapped warmly with a blanket.

A shiver breaks through her thoughts and her brain finally turns on enough for her to see that Dina hasn’t woken up but is instead shivering for warmth. Ellie had woken up, for once, without a nightmare through the night. In doing so she had rolled away from Dina, away from their embrace they had fallen asleep in. Scooting over she embraces Dina and a small noise comes from the girl. 

She must have accidentally woken Dina up but at least she was warm, she reasons with herself. Slowly Dina looks up and the pain she had seen the past two days is gone. Replaced with happiness and maybe a little irritation at the cold. Ellie can only wonder how Dina can forgive her so easily. Forgive her for breaking her heart so many days in a row. For running off, for snapping at her, for yelling at her. 

Ellie lowers her head and brings Dina closer. She wants nothing more than to keep Dina close. Safe in her arms, wishing that nothing would hurt her. Wishing that maybe someday Dina wouldn’t have to worry about her.

“You okay?” The silence is broken by a soft whisper. Dina must think her affection was brought on by discomfort. She shakes her head at herself, affection was hard for her. She never felt comfortable at physical touch, maybe it had to do with David. Maybe it was all those beatings she got at the QZ. 

“I’m fine. Just miss you.” Ellie replies, this easy affection taking her by surprise. Her affection for Dina came so easily. This girl she had met on her first day here, this girl so eager to touch, to be physically close to her. All the barricades Ellie had put up in her life were bulldozed by Dina. But only Dina. Jesse, unknown to her at the time, had tried to pat her on the back as a welcome gesture. She had stepped out of the way and his arm had reached nothing. 

‘Sorry’, she remembers saying. Her tongue twisting at the thought of trying to explain whatever this was. ‘Hey man, no worries’. Jesse had laughed her off. Always so comforting, even on the first day they had met. On the first, and the last. 

_Don’t think about that. Don’t ruin this._

“Miss you too. A lot.” Dina replies. Breathing deeply as she simply holds on to Ellie. JJ will probably begin to get fussy soon and this little spell on them would break. No matter how long it would last, Ellie just wanted to be here. With her girl. 

“I think we need to talk.” Dina softly tells her, Ellie just noticing her stroking her hair and she had been blissfully enjoying the motion. Almost like a cat, enjoying a nice afternoon pet. 

“Yeah. We do.” Ellie replies shortly. Knowing that Dina needed to know. Things had to be explained and Dina deserved to know. Where to begin, was the real question. The barn? Yesterday morning? How much would she be willing to tell Dina? 

Everything. She would be willing to tell her everything. This wouldn’t work without both of them being aware just what caused these violent episodes. 

“Where do you want to begin?” Dina softly asks, Ellie hasn’t pulled away so she can’t see her expression but she believes looking Dina in the eye is paramount for this. She leans back a tad, making sure that she’s still close but with enough space to breathe comfortably. Cozy. She’s cozy here. 

Warm, somewhere that the light had found her. Found her and thawed the frozen ice surrounding her heart. The North Star unwavering in its pursuit of her. She tucks her hand under her head and sighs. Staring off silently before dragging her eyes back to Dina. 

Dina. Her brown eyes waiting, patient and loving. Unashamed in their capacity to love and to forgive. Strong in her ability to admit fault and seeing her warmth not as a weakness, but as a strength. 

“The barn. It’s been a few months since I started going up.” She begins, her throat a little scratchy from disuse. She nods to herself, even if figuratively. She needed to get this out, to explain to Dina. Even if it didn’t make any sense. 

“If I’m being honest with myself. Something is wrong with me. Deeply. I can’t.” She stops, to drag in a breath and release it. Dina simply grabs her unoccupied hand and it’s the opposite one that Dina uses. Their hands are able to intertwine easily. It helps, when yesterday touch would burn her alive, today it gave her strength. Strength through love. 

“There are times, where I lose time. I’ll be with you one moment and then you’re gone. I’m alone. I won’t be able to remember what happened. Just.” She stops again and Dina takes her hand and places it against her chest. Her heart is slow, smooth and regular. Dina breathes a little louder, and Ellie mimics her. Her heart rate slows and she can steady her breathing. 

“God there’s so much.” She shakes her head and starts again. Anew. 

“Sometimes it feels like I’m being dragged under. Something always causes it. I just, don’t know what it is. Whenever I think bad things, it feels like static charging. Building, just waiting to be released.” Dina nods, knowing that Ellie isn’t done speaking. 

“And, and there’s something. Something else.” Ellie stammers out and Dina cocks her head and murmurs an inquisitive noise. It’s soft, comforting and Ellie’ tense shoulders drop and like she’s under a spell she calms even more. Entirely unaware she had begun spiraling. 

“There are times when I can’t open things. Doors. I can’t. I’ll try to grab the handle and I just start shaking. Remember that time? You woke up because I was crying in the hall. Just shaking by the bathroom?” Ellie asks and Dina nods, vaguely remembering this night from not long after JJ’s birth. 

“The door had jammed, slightly but it felt like I was back at the mansion. It’s stupid, because that door opened easily. Now whenever I picture it. The door never opens.” Ellie whispers the last part like a confession. 

“It’s not stupid Ellie.” Dina replies, her voice soothing and calm. Ellie thinks it might be unhealthy, just how good Dina makes her feel. Her voice steadying a fluttering heart, roaring back into panic. The story of these flashbacks become increasingly difficult for Ellie to tell. As if climbing the tallest mountain, or trying to reach the bottom of the deepest well. 

“You’re hurt. It’s just not something we can fix like a bruise. You need time to heal.” Dina states matter of factly and Ellie just wants to be fine. Desperate to be normal. 

“Why is it taking so long then?” Ellie asks, with water in her voice and tears in her eyes. Wondering what made her special, special in reviving all kinds of pain. Why couldn’t the universe just ignore her for once. Skipping her for someone else to punish. What had she done? What had she done to deserve this? 

To deserve Dina. 

“Oh baby. Well get there. You just have to try. It might not seem like much. Maybe it’s just picking up a shirt off the floor. Maybe it’s going to therapy. But trying is half the battle babe.” Dina says, all knowing. Ellie can’t help but nod. Dina knew, whenever Ellie had a problem it seemed like Dina had just the solution. 

But this wasn’t something that could be scrubbed after letting it soak. Not something that had to be patted dry, instead of rubbing. 

They have just scratched the surface of their conversation when JJ begins to stir. His tiny wails echoing off the small garage and as Ellie gets up alongside Dina to tend to him, she wonders. Looking at the house outside the garage. Remembering the warmth and safety it brought. 

Making up her mind, she decided she wouldn’t let her family freeze just for her comfort. The huge house had insulation, not to mention actual walls and not just a metal door for cars. 

Little Jay squirms in his mother’s arms, likely wanting to be fed and Ellie smiles at her little tater. Lately he’s become a little attached to Ellie, since that day. She’s seen the way he cries when she leaves the room. Waking up has been hard, Dina shushes him and he coos as he starts feeding. 

He’s oddly gripping onto Ellie’s shirt when she had gotten close to him and Dina smiles at her. “Guess he wants us together huh?” She whispers over his little suckles. This is a sight she’ll never get tired of, just Dina and her little tater. Her commander spud. 

“Did you want to continue?” Dina asks in a hushed tone and Ellie doesn’t feel right, having a beacon of innocence here, as a witness to her sin. 

“Jay’s eating, let him eat, and we can talk when he’s down.” She whispers and maybe Dina didn’t buy the excuse but lately Ellie’s been able to get away with a lot. The running away she did yesterday, the little flowers she had brought still stood on their small table. 

Slowly wilting as they were deprived of food, she felt a little saddened by their appearance. “Whatever you need okay?” Dina whispers and Ellie smiles, ruffling little J’s head. She leans her head slightly on the couch, watching the little tater, and he watches her. Slowly, she feels herself drifting slightly, and she feels panic for a half beat, before Dina’s soft murmurs and comfort help her drift into a slumber. 

—

Today hadn’t gone as she had planned, in her self destructive way. She had begged Maria to let her on the patrols but here she was. She had meant to be reckless, but upon waking up she had seen a sight. Something that rivaled the North Star. 

Little Jay was asleep firmly on Dina’s chest, and Dina lay asleep. A soft hand on little JJ’s back. She lay on the couch, silently. Watching them for a beat, and then two. The sun had risen higher in the sky and she watched as the lights of her life became one. At that moment, she wanted to cry. 

Cry because she had come close to leaving this. Leaving all of this behind. Sure, she hadn’t _really_ attempted. But in the eyes of all of those she loved, she had. Cry because she was so lost in her own trauma she didn’t know what she risked leaving behind. She knew, she knew of course with all her heart, that she would die protecting this small, but perfect, piece of her life. 

And they were perfect, weren’t they. Sure they were human, and they made mistakes. Yet in Ellie’s eyes

Dina and JJ symbolized the moon and the stars. Something so irrecoverably ethereal, but so human. 

She wished that she could get so much better. Be perfect, be anything that they needed. Hoped that one day, she would be perfect in Dina’s eyes. 

( _Oh Ellie, don’t you already know you are?)_

This soft, unspoken moment in the early morning caused something. A shift, ever so small in her heart. She felt it, as she pulled on a nice jacket, soft and warm socks, and a smile as Dina approached her. 

Embraced in her beloved’s arms, Ellie didn’t want to leave. She knew, however, that she needed to go. To prove to herself that she wasn’t completely broken. That she could still do something with her life. Even if the means didn't justify the ends. 

She had manipulated Maria and Tommy, and at the time, she had wanted to hurt herself in a way that wouldn’t be her fault. Yet, with the warmth of Dina’s arms, she saw how horrible those thoughts were. How easily they swayed her, how strong their grip on her were. 

Placing a small kiss on Dina’s lips, she kisses her nose, and her forehead. Dina has a small smile and Ellie reciprocates it. They had a little scuffle about Ellie going on patrol so close to the barn incident, but Ellie had convinced her, proven, to her that this was something she had to do. 

She wouldn’t be able to just sit at home, hugging little Jay and expect change to come from nothing. She had the motivation, briefly, to change and she wanted to hold onto those filtering thoughts. Grasp them and never let go, would they save her? 

“You don’t have to do this, you know? We could tell Maria that-“ 

“Babe, we both know I have to.” Ellie interrupts and holds her closer. Not because this is the last time they’ll embrace, but because it feels new. As if they are at the beginning of something. 

She looks over Dina’s shoulder in the big, at her arm. The ferns splaying with the moth. New Life and Light. She would fight for this, fight to her dying breath. 

Nodding, she holds Dina away, knowing that if Dina had it her way, she would never ever let go. 

“Okay. Okay. Be safe.” Dina adds, after a moment's pause, a moment lost in each other’s eyes. This, this is oddly calming to Ellie. The storm raging under her veins most days is quiet, she can feel it, if she really tries but she’s determined not to. 

“Keep the potatoes in the toaster for me, I want them crispy for dinner.” Ellie jokes and Dina rolls her eyes at the slight jab. Ellie let’s go of her arm and walks quietly, into the early morning

She meets her patrol partner, a bold young man by the name of Victor. A boy, she remembers from a time before Seattle, who enjoyed to play football with her and Jesse. He was around their age, but she didn’t feel that way anymore, she didn’t feel young. She felt damaged, aged, _traumatized._

“You good there?” He asks, holding a rifle out to her and she nods, checking the chamber. Not liking the way her hands shake as she pulls the bolt back. The bullet, which usually makes her feel safe, only succeeds in making her feel sick to her stomach. 

“- for today.” Victor says and she snaps back to where he’s standing, a mare with a dark coat by him. She doesn’t feel the static, she just must be distracted. A horrible combination really. 

“What was that?” She asks, sheepish but still politely. He nods and she can tell he’s just as awkward as she is at this. “Was asking if you had a horse. Since Shimmer…” Victor tries and she closes her eyes for a brief second. Shimmer is a can of worms she doesn’t want to think about. A can of worms that can easily attract a huge fucken problem in the shape of a panic attack. 

“Yeah, yeah. Japan. Dina’s horse?” Ellie finishes in sort of a question. Was she allowed to take Japan? Or was that some sort of rule that she couldn’t. Dina was of course okay with it, and maybe she should have clarified this. 

“Right, Didn’t know why I thought Dina was coming. He’s ready, they uh got him ready for you.” He finishes awkward, rubbing his shoe into the softly forming snow. Winter was coming. 

“Right.” She says, walking toward the gelding. Who lightly shakes his head at her, huffing and neighing. She smiles, softly running her hands through his mane. 

Listening loosely as the man in charge goes through the safety one last time. Something she used to enjoy, seeing Jesse serious for once instead of his usual humor. Blinking quickly the spell is gone and Jesse, she reminds herself, is gone. 

She climbs onto Japan, patting him as she nods toward her partner and they set off. The reins in her hand shake and she calms herself as they ride deeper into the Wyoming wilderness. 

Victor, thankfully, is quiet for most of the journey through the surrounding town. They pass multiple store fronts, tourist traps Dina had once called them. Remembering the status symbol this land had, in the times before chaos. 

Their first outlook goes fine, nothing out of the ordinary. As well as it should be, this area is regularly patrolled and the farther out they go, the more dangerous it becomes. After signing in, they walk back to the horses and as she’s climbing onto Japan she notices a small store, the red and white largely gone but the letters remain. 

On the window, a small poster is visible, just barely there. The elements had not been kind. Ellie stands still, or rather sits still atop Japan. It looked to be a store for games and she can already tell she regrets even glancing in this direction. 

Her lip trembles, as the slight shake in her frame expands. The character on the poster, while withered, is unmistakable. Victor calls for her and she holds her chin up high, unwilling to succumb to its grasp. 

They’re slowly checking out the buildings between wilderness and life. A waterspout a few hundred feet back erupts and Ellie stops to look for a second. A second too long, lost in thought. 

She had been unable to concentrate, ever since that stupid store. She thinks, of the boy, the small boy and of the girl. The first girl. They were going, too young. They were gone, known to no one but Ellie. Everyone who knew them had died. Violent deaths. Each and every one of them. 

They too, had suffered in their last moments, horribly. Yet here she was, their messiah. Their last hope. Here she was, wishing she was with them. 

—

It’s become increasingly difficult to be able to ignore these impulses. This hatred that grows under her skin, of how she really did _waste it_. The reins are creaking under her skins and she breathes out harshly, the cold air making her breath visible. 

Ellie sat upon Japan, just resting. Counting her breaths and not wanting to forget them, but pushing their memories for a time that wouldn’t kill her. Victor comes up behind her, and he opens his mouth and he second guesses himself. 

He cocks his head to the side and she nods, already clicking her tongue to steady Japan. The acid in her stomach pitching and the tightness grows, and she frowns. Hating the fact that if she doesn’t stop this feeling, it’ll overwhelm her. 

She watches as Victor scavenges through a small home, and she kicks against the door. Just hanging out, just existing. Existing another day, trying and this time not just for Dina. Closing her eyes, she holds her breath and counts. Slowly counting her breaths, slowly breathing out. 

The burn in her veins slowly recedes and with it, is replaced by the fond morning she had. Quiet and soft with Dina, their little spud as well. She continues to try calming herself, ignoring the weight in her back pocket. 

Victor comes through the doorway and he holds up a can of baked beans. “Jackpot!” He smiles and tosses the can up and down, catching it with ease as it falls. 

“Baked beans?” She asks and on his third catch it falters, hitting the floor and denting a corner of the can. 

“Forget it, man. Town’s been picked clean.” 

“At least we haven’t seen infected.” She adds to his sad face, he grumbles and picks up the beans. He sighs and puts it in his bag. He climbs onto his horse and he waits for her to do the same. 

“C'mon dude. Let’s go home.” Ellie gets on Japan and follows him. Her breathing has evened out and she shivers from the cold. A slight headache coming to the front of her head. Scoffing, she follows him back. Eyebrows knitting as they grew closer to Jackson, this stupid headache causing her to just want to take a fucken nap. 

Before long, they see the gates and she can finally smile. A bed, Dina, their spud. The idea of coming home, just being where she’s loved instantly makes her feel better. Japan knickers and she stops momentarily, wondering when this changed. 

It was nearing dusk, and she finally had a day that she didn’t lose. A day that, she remembered and a day that her memories didn’t ruin. They tried, but the more she thought of those that made her happy, the more the sun wanted to peak out from behind the clouds. 

Dina meets her at the gates, a smile on her face and a little potato strapped to her chest. Ellie checked her gun back in, all the while looking over to her little family. Taking off her gloves, she reaches over and Dina hugs her softly, taking care to not crush their little critter. He’s bundled for warmth, and Ellie coos at his little squirms. 

“How was patrol?” Dina asks as they walk quietly back to their small garage. Ellie knows how cold it gets in there, and makes a note to talk to Dina about getting settled into the house next to them. Not dwelling on the fact of why it’s empty. 

“Good, we found some beans?” She finished as if it was a question and she doesn’t know why she added that. She didn’t even get a can, Victor had only found one. 

“You good?” Dina asks lightly, patting Jay’s head. Holding her hand with the other, and Ellie knows what she really wants to know. She just doesn’t know why, instead of lying. She thinks for a moment, opening the small door and holding it open for Dina. The small fireplace is already warming the small room. She sits down as Dina grabs a small plate with some warm eggs and a little cut up tomatoes. 

Ellie takes a spoon full of food, and chews. Thinking about her answer, of the small indents her nails had made from just clenching her hands willing for the panic to leave. 

“It was half and half. A lot of good...moments. A lot of bad moments. Moments where I didn’t know if things were going good or were going bad.” She speaks between chewing and Dina continues to stroke her back, nodding slowly and she slowly rocks both of them forward and back. 

“Maria, she said she set up an appointment for you. To speak with someone. You know, someone who can help you understand what you’re feeling.” 

Ellie nods, slowly chewing and finishing off her plate. She’s had time to think about it, wanting to get better. She understands that she can’t do this all on her own, but also can’t put all of this onto Dina too. 

“Okay. Okay.” She accepts. She can’t help but notice the small smile that Dina adopts, and it’s infectious. The small smile between them and she knows, somehow and some way they would make it. 

She settles in, the small flowers in her periphery and they don’t look so down today. Maybe Dina watered them, maybe she had just projected her sadness on to them. The couch had been inviting but the second she had settled in, Dina was taking her hand and standing her back up. 

“C‘mon stupid.” Dragging her over to Jay’s little crib. Murmuring soft reassurances and watching as he drifts slowly deeper and deeper into sleep. 

She can feel her headache slowly, easing its grip. As if, the medication she needed wasn’t just good, but maybe it was this. This love that she had here in the small home. 

Dina is cuddling into her, holding tight. She remembers, as she is drifting. Wanting to tell her about her want to be in the house rather than this little shed. “Dina?” She asks, though she can imagine it’s just jumbled. 

“Yeah?” 

She’s asleep, and Dina wonders had she spoken in the first place? She shakes her head, glad to have this girl even if it was just another day. Dina wouldn’t give up on their time, she would fight for every second they spend together. 

Whether it’s two minutes, or two days. 

She would fight. 

**Author's Note:**

> Send some hate my way at KonElOfKandor on tumblr. Or if you liked it, I guess send me that too


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